I haven't made it any secret, either here or in personal conversation, that I'm in love. A few years ago I met this wonderful girl in Russia named Lena. We hit it off and became good friends. That friendship blossomed over time until this summer, when we had something very much like a relationship.
I've been pretty open about the fact that when she went home, when we left it off, we weren't dating. We'd agreed, more or less, to go back to being friends. That didn't stop me from being in love, it didn't stop me from feeling there was something more going on, it didn't stop me from hoping that Lena would change her mind. It didn't stop me from writhing in agony over the past month as I didn't hear from her at all or over the past two weeks as I waited to hear more details out of her brief, cryptic email which said only that something had happened that she never expected and it had changed her life.
Lena called me today. She's very much in love and it's not with me.
There are a thousand little things I could say, a thousand little things I said to Lena. I won't bother to repeat them. Anyone who's had a bitter-sweet, tender breakup knows what they are. I can sit here and do all of the miserable things that you do when you have a broken heart. But I've cried all day. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm not angry with Lena. I don't want revenge, I don't want to cause anyone pain or to beg or pray for her to change her mind. I want her to be happy, and I hope whoever she loves can do that for her. Me, I just want to kill the pain in my heart.
The trouble is that sometimes I don't know if I'm anything else but love. I always love. Sometimes I think it's the only thing I know how to do.
And that brings me to Ann. You remember her. She emailed me not long after I got to Seattle, on the grounds that we were now only two miles apart, and we've been having a little bit of back and forth. I told her I didn't want to talk to her only over email (that being one of the reasons we stopped talking last year). She told me what I said hurt. I told her I was sorry, I didn't mean to hurt her, but that I felt defensive because of everything that's gone between us before.
What I didn't talk about was this thing with Lena. What if I'm right? What if all I am is love? How do I keep myself from falling in love with Ann? How do I keep myself from the hurt of that? How is that good for me? How is that fair to Ann?
I wish I could learn how not to love.
Comments (13)
I do feel for you on this one. It's never easy and certainly no words make the hurt any better. I will say, in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with "being love." There are certainly worse things to be or to feel. I also don't know if you can stop yourself from falling in love with anyone or keep yourself from any potential hurt. Kinds comes with the territory. On the flip side of the hurt is the potential for the good stuff. Don't stop learning how to love.
Posted by Brian | October 22, 2004 8:53 PM
Posted on October 22, 2004 20:53
Ok...typo on my previous comment. "Kinds" should be "Kinda." And besides...what do you love more than love?
Posted by Brian | October 22, 2004 8:55 PM
Posted on October 22, 2004 20:55
If you are nothing but love, explain your stance on Canada...
Ok, a feeble attempt to lighten the mood is over. I'm sorry to hear the bad news. I won't make it long or drawn out because what can you say? I'm sorry, I wish you could be truly happy is what sums it up best.
Posted by quantum entangled ogre | October 23, 2004 10:07 AM
Posted on October 23, 2004 10:07
hugs Will call you later.
Posted by Bekah | October 23, 2004 10:16 AM
Posted on October 23, 2004 10:16
Brian, the trouble isn't so much the learning how to love. That is the shit that I got down cold. I could teach a fuckin' three-day seminar on that shit and make a mint.
The trouble is learning how to stop.
But thanks to all of you for your support. Talk to you soon.
Posted by Jason | October 23, 2004 11:08 AM
Posted on October 23, 2004 11:08
I agree that you have the love thing down pat - just a matter of kissing enough frogs before finding the one that turns into a princesss. Just make sure you have some wart removal in the meantime.
Posted by Brian | October 23, 2004 6:34 PM
Posted on October 23, 2004 18:34
I remember Stephanie.
I spent three years with me being in love with her and her being good friends with me until she fell in love with somebody I thought was a shallow doof. I was still in love with her but I finally figured out she wasn't ever going to go for me.
Posted by Ed | October 24, 2004 5:06 PM
Posted on October 24, 2004 17:06
Word, Ed. Word.
Posted by Jason | October 24, 2004 9:24 PM
Posted on October 24, 2004 21:24
i have to say im a geeat listener but also a poor advisor when it comes in matters of the heart.
part of me wants to tell you to grab a plane and go get the girl....
and another part wants you to forget and move on...
I guess the only good thing i can say is that you can count on us.
Hang in there.
Posted by gus | October 25, 2004 8:22 AM
Posted on October 25, 2004 08:22
Girls.
They claim that they don't want a typical male jerk, that they want someone sweet and sensitive. But when it comes time to choose, they always run to the typical male jerk first. Always.
This has been an unrequested treatise by Ben of the Azure Sea.
Posted by Ben of the Azure Sea | October 25, 2004 2:59 PM
Posted on October 25, 2004 14:59
Plane-hoppinh had occurred to me, Gus. I've decided against it. Countries that I need to apply for a visa to get into (and need to have a local sponsor to apply for said visa) are not condusive to rapid flights of romantic fancy. It's probably for the best, anyway. I'm sure Lena would be happy to see me, but not for the reasons I'd want her to be.
As for the guy she's with now... well, I know nothing about him save that he lives in Moscow and is an American. I don't really want to know anything else. I hope, of course, that he's not a jerk. I hope that he's the best thing since sliced bread. Lena deserves the best the world has to offer.
(That said, if I ever meet this guy and it turns out it's someone I know - say, someone I went to high school with or something - I will be forced, motivated only by general principle, to give him a swift and painful kick to the balls. It would momentarily too much for me to take if it turned out I knew the guy; the cruelest twist of irony, the bitterest of fictions. I'm buying a new pair of doc martens this weekend, just in case.)
(That door opened, insert the rest of the required male posturing along the "if he ever hurts her my vengeance will be swift and painful" line. I mean it, of course, and at the same time it's, of course, mostly bullshit. Nevertheless, it's the sort of thing I'm expected to say at this juncture.)
Posted by Jason | October 25, 2004 4:39 PM
Posted on October 25, 2004 16:39
I'm sorry to hear about all of that. :( I've been on both sides of this one. It's no picnic either way.
Posted by Meg | October 26, 2004 10:15 AM
Posted on October 26, 2004 10:15
Thanks, Meg. Much obliged.
Posted by Jason | October 29, 2004 10:35 PM
Posted on October 29, 2004 22:35