I've been thinking about Lena all day today. I haven't particularly wanted to, but today I just didn't have the strength to stop.
I don't want to make it sound like she's out of my life. She's not. We still talk. We're still friends and she's one of my best. And I'm glad of it. My life would be a much poorer thing if we didn't.
Which is not to say this thing has been easy for me. Not that I would expect it to be; love that's not returned is far more of a burden than a blessing. My heart breaks a little more every time I have a day like today, or really any time I think about her for too long. It's so hard. It hurts so much. But, you know, for all of that I still wouldn't give up our friendship. It's that important to me.
Beyond that hurt, though, there's something else here. Anyone who knows me well knows that if there's a situation I'm really bad at handling it's when I don't understand something. And I just don't understand why she doesn't love me.
Excuse me while I indulge in a bit of arrogance. I sorta need it right now. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm attractive, I'm devoted, entertaining and all around good to be with. These are things that Lena herself has told me. In other words: what's not to love?
It's a stupid thing to say, I know. Even though I could tell you why I love Lena, I can't really tell you why I love Lena, if that makes any sense. I know it doesn't work that way. I know it's not something in your head. I know it's not really something to be understood.
But all the same, I really want to understand. Not being able to do that makes the whole thing harder.
Comments (6)
When you don't understand something it is frustrating. This is especially so when the result (her supposedly not loving you) doesn't follow from the antecedents (you get along, all the good things you listed). However, some things are not knowable. To some extent, it's a waste of time, even a waste of life, to attempt to understand them. By this, I don't mean to discourage you from seeking knowledge about things like this in general, but I do mean to discourage you from seeking knowledge about things like this when that search leads to frustration and unhappiness. You will chase your tail forever trying to figure this out, and all the while you are probably missing out on other opportunities. Not to mention that the mystery of love works both ways: As frustrating as it is when it's not there and you don't understand why not, it's that amazing when it is there. At the same time, it never makes much sense. Hang in there. I know it feels crappy, I've been there too.
Posted by Aaron | November 18, 2004 1:24 PM
Posted on November 18, 2004 13:24
Wow, Jason. I totally understand where you're coming from. I've been there, believe me.
I reason that there are certain things that you just can't understand. Women, algebra, why people like sitcoms, etc.
Worrying about these things will consume you. I know it's one of those "easy say, hard do" type situations, but you gotta try to put stuff like that behind you. You've got a good 75 years or so on left on this spaceship. There’s plenty of love coming your way.
And I totally understand that “I love this person and I can tell you why, but I really can’t.” She’s a tricky ogre, that Love. My theory: (well, not so much a theory as it is an opinion that I refer to as a theory) Love is a genetic flaw that evolution failed to destroy. Ancient Man found himself wondering why he was sharing so much of the antelope he worked so hard to kill with Ancient Woman. There was no rational explanation for it. There still isn’t……
Posted by Steeve | November 18, 2004 7:54 PM
Posted on November 18, 2004 19:54
I think you've just given me a new metaphor for love, Steve. From now on, I very well may have to refer to it as "sharing the antelope."
Thanks for your support, guys (and, too, to the people what called me). A day at a time I'll be ok.
Posted by Jason | November 18, 2004 10:01 PM
Posted on November 18, 2004 22:01
Have you ever thought about the fact that the reason she may not "love you" is because you are 20,000 miles apart? I mean come on maybe she is refusing to let herself feel the way you do is cause she isnt strong enough. Shrugs Who knows man besides the fact that you are dead sexy and to much of an animal for her I can't think of any reason that she wouldnt be into you
Zach
Posted by Zach the prodigal son | November 19, 2004 9:12 AM
Posted on November 19, 2004 09:12
Don't know why you put that in quotes, dude. Girl's occassionally vague, but I've more reason to trust her than a lot of other folks I know. She says she doesn't love me, she says she's in love with someone else, I believe her. Because she's my friend, and that's just the way it goes.
'Preciate the thought, though.
And where the hell have you been? Give me a call this weekend or summat, since I can never get through when I call you.
Posted by Jason | November 19, 2004 10:22 AM
Posted on November 19, 2004 10:22
*hugs*
Posted by Bekah | November 22, 2004 8:33 AM
Posted on November 22, 2004 08:33