Those of you who've been with us for a while know that two years ago I was with this girl named Lena. Those of you who've only joined us recently can read the full color commentary in the dating category, selectable at right. The short version has it that I was very much in love, things ended very badly due to Lena falling for another guy and I decided it was best to cut off contact with her. Which was like cutting off my own arm, because not only did I love her, but I also thought of her as (with one notable exception) my best and closest friend.
If you know me well, you'll know that I think about her on occasion, on my loneliest and most sleepless of nights, but by and large I don't pick at the scar. Three days ago, though, I'm out with some old work friends, minding my own business, when who should come out of the blue to smack me upside the head but her. Or at least reference to her - she wasn't actually there.
I found out that her father died. I think maybe 4 months back, I'm not sure.
Now I feel really weird. Lena was close to her father, and his dying will have hurt her to the core. She quit her job when it happened, but I imagine she'll still be hurting now. And I feel like I should do something. I feel like I should call and let her know I understand, or run over (pretty long run) and wrap her in my arms. Two years gone and I still feel like I know her better than anyone else could. That's what our friendship meant to me - not our relationship, our friendship.
On the other hand, I know that's arrogant of me to say. I know it's not necessarily true and, even if it were, she doesn't need me. We were close, but she's got other people to be close(r) to. She has her boyfriend to hold onto her, she has friends to talk to and support her. It's not my job to be any of those things for her anymore.
But I know her, or at least I used to, and she once meant the world to me (and, somewhere in the back of my heart, she still does), and so it feels really weird to know this horrible thing has happened to her and to not be able to do anything about it.
Comments (1)
I know how you feel, dear, and you're doing the right thing by not contacting her. It will just be uncomfortable for the both of you and will likely do more harm than good. I know it's a shitty thing to say, but I've been there and it's not a good thing when you try to re-establish some kind of bond that was broken beyond repair years ago.
Feel bad for her, wish the best for her, and move on. If you start to think of yourself as a bad person for not trying to call her up, just remember that you may be picking at that scar on occasion now, but talking to her now will rip it off in the most excruciating way possible and will take even longer to heal.
It's hard to let go, but sometimes that's just the best thing to do.
Posted by Jon | December 24, 2006 3:02 AM
Posted on December 24, 2006 03:02