I broke up with my girlfriend tonight.
Forget, for a minute, that I never mentioned on the blog that I had a girlfriend; I clearly haven't been blogging lately. I had a girlfriend and she was very sweet. But in the past few weeks I'd become more that This Isn't What I Want Right Now. I hashed it out, thought it over, and decided that, well, She's Just Not The Girl For Me.
So, I broke up with my girlfriend tonight.
It went as well as these things ever go, I guess. I told her it was over, and gave her the best explanation it was possible to give. She didn't really understand it, because when This Is What You Want Right Now and you feel that This Is The One For You, well, why wouldn't they feel the same? I've been there. I know. Anyway, she teared up a bit, and then left before she lost it.
I know she lost it because, as fucking Facebook fucking insists on fucking telling me, she's drunk.
On some level, even though I meant it when I said I hope we can be friends, I suppose I resent the fact that she didn't un-friend me so that I wouldn't have to see that. Of course, I also wish that she wasn't upset about it. I mean, obviously, she has every right to be. But I can't help but wish that everything would change while, at the same time, nothing would change. That she wouldn't mind. I can't help but wish that I could still get all of the stuff I liked about our relationship, but not give any of the stuff I didn't like.
Of course that's impossible. Because what I didn't like, really, was just the feeling that, as good as everything was, it just wasn't the right thing for me.
Which is why, now it's done, I feel maybe only 80% sure I did the right thing.
The next 10%? I'm pretty sure that's loneliness.
That last 10% is doubt. Because there's always doubt.
And it's the doubt and the loneliness and, more than anything, the guilt at making this girl feel bad that has me feeling so insanely shitty right now. And that's the part I really wish would change.